At the beginning of the summer, I had a goal. A self-improvement goal (although aren’t all goals about self-improvement?), and I knew it would be hard for me. So I thought I’d head off my usual inability to achieve written goals (sorry, Dad) and I made myself accountable to someone else. We made charts and determined prizes and promised to check up on each other.
And I failed miserably.
This failure seemed to just sit on top of a stack of other failed goals of the recent past and became much too overwhelming for me. It was too hard, and even though logically I knew that there was a way to move past this stack of failures, I was too tired to really try.
I am very good at hiding my feelings when they are bad and I am busy—my friend Cheryl once said that I show no emotion, I suppose because I like to deliver all lines with a straight face (lovely Mitton attribute, that one, and I won’t ever give it up)—and I’m quite confident that no one knew anything was wrong. Everyone continued knowing nothing until one Sunday evening while I chatted with a friend who picked up on my hesitation when I answered the usual “How’s your day?” And he reminded me that I’m not a failure and that I don’t have to tackle the stack all at once. But I do have to tackle the stack—in small, manageable ways.
In March I began eating breakfast again, for the first time (consistently) since Jerusalem. The time before that was probably high school, although I’m sure I went through waves while living in the dorms. But it’s been four and a half months of steady breakfast eating, and that’s more time than I spent in Jerus. It’s constant now, and I like it.
I discovered a blog this week that in all reality I should have come across earlier. But I don’t think I needed it earlier, I think I needed it now. I’m drawn to her writing and her personality and her honesty. And I sense so much deep truth in some of her ideas. Truth that I’ve taken and mulled over and let sit percolating in my mind.
When you design your life in accordance to a complex grid, all the elements will align to create something more beautiful and unique than you ever could have come up with on your own.
I feel like I’m on the precipice of something great. The percolation, the breakfast, the small manageable decisions are leading me to an idea and way of living so real that I can’t fully understand or verbalize it. But it is good and true and powerful. It fits inside the grid. And I think it will make me more uniquely me.